Golden Bachelor Preview 2023
Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 38-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud. V.
This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows since before your favorite TikToker was born. And now I’m doing it for The Golden Bachelor. Which is weird. I didn’t think I’d ever be poking fun at people in their 60s and 70s who weren’t my parents but boomers got pensions and homes and the greatest stock market run of any American generation and I get this, so I guess it’s even. Here, I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (https://instagram.com/jaredfreid?r=nametag) where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Thursday night (Past seasons are in my highlights).
Gerry Turner (pronounced Gary) is a 71 year old retired restaurateur from Indiana who looks like he smells of cigarettes mixed with cologne and says stuff like, “You know who’s got a good figure?!” Gerry is the perfect lead for this show. He’s an attractive older man who worked in nightlife and he has a wife who passed away in 2017. I feel for Gerry and his loss but it’s also the only reason he’s on this show. If Gerry were divorced then every interview would’ve been about his ex. Bachelor Nation would’ve found her and forced her into having a press conference to let them know she was doing better than ever. And even after that, the fans would probably be like, “Did you hear how she said, “‘I have a great family with my current husband?!’ Seemed a little off.” The reality of The Bachelor is that we have to cheer for the lead. And nobody gets cheered for more than a guy who has proven he can commit, who wants to commit again, and has a dead wife. It just must’ve been weird for casting producers to ask multiple men about their ex and then be like, “She’s alive and healthy?! Sorry!!” Well, now that the awkward casting part is over, let’s check out the fully alive women who will try to be Garry’s replacement wife!
Anna is a 61 year old retired nutritionist from Summit, New Jersey who looks like she weighs her white wine to see how many weight watchers points it’s worth. Anna’s bio says that she loves foraging for mushrooms and dark chocolate which means you’re gonna have to move a crystal to put down your drink at Anna’s home. Which, spoiler alert, you aren’t allowed to move because Mercury is in retrograde. I love how a divorced woman is just allowed to have these weird hobbies and we’re like, “LOOK!! She’s active!” If a divorced man was out in the woods looking for mushrooms we’d be like, “Wow, she took him for everything. He’s eating off the ground!”
April is a 65 year old therapist from Port St. Lucie who looks like she makes Thanksgiving awkward by screaming, “Just because I’m in my 60s doesn’t mean I don’t need to orgasm!” I don’t think I’m wrong because one of April’s “fun facts” is that she has a discreetly hidden tattoo of her nickname, “Presh.” I’ve never been more excited for a show while also being so excited my grandmothers have both passed. If I read that one of them had a fun fact that started with “Discreetly hidden tattoo” I’d have to put my phone down to breathe deeply for ten minutes before I got to the big reveal of her nickname some guy she met at Woodstock gave her. Sending my T and Ps to all the grandchildren of Golden Bachelor Contestants.
Christina is a 73 year old retired purchasing manager from Sierra Madre, California who just made you scream, “SEVENTY THREE?!” as you took out your magnifying glass to study her forehead. Christina’s bio says that “she calls this chapter of life her “Go-Go” years, not the “Slow-Go” years” which is exactly the type of positivity I was looking for from this show. I’m also in my “Go-Go” years. I go-go to the bathroom very quickly after eating cheese. Maybe we mean the same thing. Or maybe Christina means that she hikes. I don’t care. I’m going to start saying this to excuse myself to the toilet.
Edith looks like she writes 800 word captions on Instagram about the confidence she’s gained by letting her hair go gray. Edith makes “hand-painted birthday cards” which really sounds like a sentence said by someone in 1867. Honestly, buying a card these days feels like you’re trying to find the vintage hair dye Edith stopped using. The card aisle at CVS looks like it was ravaged for supplies before an upcoming hurricane. The funny cards are all gone and you’re sitting there wondering if, “To touch you, is to love you” is going to make eye contact with your dad on his birthday awkward.
Ellen is a 71 year old retired school teacher from Delray Beach who looks like she was brought up in the lunchtime, “which teacher would you bang” conversation until the day she retired. (Good for her!) Ellen says she “loves dancing despite her two left feet.” Ellen’s 71 and still apologizing for her dancing. I always hoped everyone aged into not caring. I want to grab Ellen and tell her that nobody will care how she dances! Everyone will be too busy being inspired by the elderly woman who risked a hip injury to enjoy the dance floor! Not one person will notice how stupid she looks!! We’ll even circle around her and clap while she dances like they’re a baby taking their first steps. And none of those claps will be about how stupid she looks! Just that she’s defying gravity at all. I hope Ellen reads this and gains a little confidence.
Faith is a 60 year old high school teacher from Benton City, Washington whose “fun fact” is that she “hates technology that doesn’t consistently work.” That made me feel very much at home. Nothing is more mom than responding to “Hey! Anything fun we should know?!” with, “The remote doesn’t work regularly and I can’t get into THE Netflix!” I look forward to hearing Faith complain about the champagne on the helicopter of her one on one.
Jeanie is a 65 year old project manager from Estill Springs, Tennessee who looks like she told a WalMart employee, “Bless your heart” after yelling at them. Jeanie’s profile says “she likes to keep little memories from dates, like fortune cookie fortunes.” This sounds fine from Jeanie but if I went home with a 34 year old woman and she said, “Just put your jacket next to the counter but watch out for my trinkets from the dates that didn’t work out!” I’d wonder how she was doing mentally.
Joan is a 60 year old private school administrator from Rockland, Maryland who looks like she dresses up her dog for every holiday and even randomly like Elton John because “We (her and the dog) felt like it was an Elton night.” Joan just lost her husband of 32 years which presents a tough dynamic in the house. Some of the women are here because “This seemed kind of fun!!” And others are here because their kids said they need to get out of the house and stop smelling dads old jeans. I’m sure 22 women in their 60s and 70s who probably aren’t great whisperers will handle it in a totally not awkward way!
Kathy is a 70 year old educational consultant from Austin who looks like your mom’s single friend you call “Aunt Kathy.” Kathy has two geriatric cats and she’s “OBSESSED with Christmas.” Someone needs to coach Kathy up on what to say in these dating scenarios. She isn’t really selling herself. Nothing says stay away more than the prospect of changing the diapers on a cat dressed as Rudolph in the month of November. How about, “I have pets and I sing carols by the piano?!” Or “I promise not to spend our life savings on keeping a dying cat alive?” Both are good starts to a better dating profile.
Leslie is a 64 year old fitness trainer who looks like the mascot for “I’m going to start trouble on a reality tv show.” When your dangly earring almost touches a nipple then we have to assume you came here to peacock a little. I mean her profile says that she’s a “Glama” to her three grandkids. NOTHING is better than a grandma who goes off the board with their nickname. It tells you everything about them. They are going to invite who they want to the wedding. They are going to wear a cream dress because “relax it’s not white.” They are going to tell you how to eat during pregnancy. And they’re not going to let some dumb baby control their branding. They’re going to get in front of it so they can buy fun nameplate necklaces and embroidered jean jackets. Glama isn’t a name, it’s an empowered shout at the world that she doesn’t take shit from NOBODY. Especially some daughter-in-law who wants her to be called Nana.
Maria is a 60 year old health and wellness director from Teaneck, New Jersey who looks like an actress in a prescription drug commercial who’s about to tell me to ask my doctor about a pill that’s going to give me suicidal thoughts. Maria’s bio says that she wants a man who’s ready for “a love adventure” which is too high a hope for me at 38 never mind a guy in his 70s. Maybe by “love adventure” she means dinner at 5PM followed by some dancing and the golden bachelor passing out mid-climax.
Marina is a 60 year old educator who looks like a lawyer at a big firm who doesn’t take enough time for herself. Marina’s fun fact is that she doesn’t stand in lines. I’m happy she’s up front about that. Every dating app should have one prompt that asks, “What makes you a pain in the ass?!” Let’s all get in front of it. Mine is that if I’m waiting for a sandwich at a deli, and a name gets yelled out from the counter, I’ll sing it again twice as loud. This isn’t a good quality just like Marina looking at a line and screaming “NOPE” in the faces of the people waiting isn’t good. But it’s who we are! Take us or leave us!
Nancy is a 60 year old retired interior designer from Alexandria, Virginia who looks like she loves being compared to Kelly Ripa. Nancy’s bio says she’s loyal and faithful and a hopeless romantic who is looking for a trustworthy man which all screams “I’ve been cheated on.” All that’s missing from Nancy’s bio is a line about how she’s “Open to anything! Except men named “Robert” who can’t keep their dick in their pants around the cleaning lady!!”
Natasha is a 60 year old pro-aging coach and midlife speaker from NYC who looks like she plays the strict but fair judge in an NBC show called, “Laws Of Attraction.” The fact that they mention Natasha’s career and never come back to it in the bio is hilarious. If anyone came on “Old People Bachelor” for the wrong reasons, it’s the person who gets paid to say, “LIFE BEGINS AT 50!” to a banquet hall in a Toledo Hilton. If a 23 year old “Get Ready With Me Content Creator” came on The Bachelor, we’d all storm the capital. In this case, we’re like “Go Natasha! Have a fun grift!!”
Pamela is a 75 year old retired salon owner from Aurora, Illinois who looks like she thinks butterflies are a sign from her dead husband. She probably sees a butterfly and says, “There’s my Irving” to strangers and they’re left to assume she has some form of dementia. Pamela’s bio says that there’s “nothing she loves more than reading on a hammock while sipping a cocktail.” That statement is delusional. Have you ever gotten into a hammock? Have you ever gotten into a hammock while holding something?! Someone once filmed me getting into a hammock and I’ve been on a diet ever since and I’m just now catching my breath. It was like watching a baby elephant angrily play in a baby pool. It would take a team of ten people and a crane for a 75 year old woman to safely get into a hammock with both a book and a cocktail without injury or spills. I’m sorry. I call bullshit.
Patty is a 70 year old retired real estate professional from Durham who looks like she went to the salon for a haircut and said, “I’ll take the divorced real estate agent please!” Patty is the mother of former Bachelor, Matt James. Bachelor fans petitioned for Patty to be on the show. The Bachelor audience loves a simplified story. Look at Grocery Joe. He was on the show for half a minute but because he fit a storyline from a Hallmark movie, Bachelor nation gave him a million followers without ever hearing him speak. Bachelor Nation saw Patty, a good looking, single, older woman, and was like “GET HER A HUSBAND.” I kind of hope we discover one, personal detail that’s uncomfortable. I hope she randomly says something like, “Ozempic is for lazy fat people” and the women of Bachelor Nation will have to deal with the fact that they’ve helped create a monster. Like a fun Hitchcock-type turn.
Peggy is a 60 year old dental hygienist from East Haven, Connecticut who looks like she says things to her dog like, “Hey, where are your manners?!” as if it’s a human. Peggy’s bio says that she’s “dedicated her life to helping people” because she’s gone on dental missions. This is a description that should make me like Peggy. But I’ve become way more cynical after years of people telling me that they “lived in Europe,” when they actually just did study abroad in Florence on a piazza owned by their Big Ten School. In my mind, Peggy didn’t dedicate her life to anything but a free trip because she told one kid in Rwanda to open up and say “Ahh.” This isn’t Peggy’s fault. It’s a bunch of girls named Rachel and her sorority sisters.
Renee is a 67 year old former Chicago Bears Honey Bear Cheerleader from Chicago who looks like she’s going to tell you that she isn’t a psychic but she “feels a presence around you” and she’s “usually right about these things” while you’re behind her in line for coffee. Renee says she’s very romantic and once made a guy she was dating a homemade blanket so “he could feel my warmth and love around him.” I don’t know the guy who was given the blanket but I’m sure he said, “Thank you” while thinking, “Oh god I’m in deep! I just wanted to bang a Honey Bear!”
Sandra is a 75 year old retired executive assistant who looks like she constantly asks, “So how does that make you feel?!” Sandra says she’s a huge Wheel Of Fortune fan. I love this. I think it takes a very honest person to say they love Wheel Of Fortune because it’s right next to jeopardy and you’re basically like “I’m into the dumber, easier one.” It’s like saying you’re not a reader or you prefer hot cocoa to coffee or you got a business degree from Lynn University. Someone’s going to walk away thinking you’re a bit of a dummy and it’s cool you’re ok with that. Good for Sandra.
Susan is a 66 year old wedding officiant who looks so much like Kris Jenner that she has to be insane. You can’t look this much like anyone without it becoming your whole personality. Every conversation would revolve around what she thinks of the Kardashians and if they’ve ever met or if she agrees that they look alike. It could all be fixed with a simple haircut or makeup change. But no, Susan’s going with it. The only way it’s not crazy is if her wedding officiant business is Kardashian themed. People walk down the aisle dressed as their favorite character from the show and she marries them as Kris would, with the signing of a lucrative contract that might have some light porn. If that’s the case then she’s ok with me and not insane but the people who hire her are now the crazies.
Sylvia is a 64 year old public affairs consultant who looks like she auditioned for “90 Day Fiancé,” married the guy, and has been living off the money she got from selling half his Pokémon cards in the divorce. Sylvia’s bio says she’s “a total girl boss” and I don’t think I’ve ever rolled my eyes at anything more. Sylvia is 64 years old. Has had a great career. Probably has tons of respect in her field. And now some Gen Z producer is like “WHOAAA GIRLLY BOSSSY CONTRACT QUEEN!!!” It all just sounds so demeaning. How about around retirement age you’re called something like, “Captain Woman” or “President Puss” or “Madam Dick Stomp.” I don’t know. Something more adult!
Theresa is a 70 year old financial services professional from Shrewsbury, New Jersey who looks like she’s going to fix up her daughter with whoever makes eye contact with her. Theresa’s fun fact is that she “loves ‘70’s rock, both hard and soft” which is a very funny sentence that a woman in her 70s doesn’t know sounds somewhat sexual. I can imagine her daughter being like, “Mom, you can just say you like ‘70s rock!” and then Theresa screaming, “I just want people to know I like it hard and soft!! It doesn’t matter which way! When it’s hard it gets me excited and when it’s soft it makes me emotional!” And the daughter would have already left the room and I’d be high fiving my frat brother in the corner for the rest of the night.