Bachelorette Preview 2023

Bachelorette Preview 2023

Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 38-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud. V. 

This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows since before your favorite TikToker was born. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at an actor’s red carpet outfit choice. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (Past seasons are in my highlights). 

Charity Lawson is The Bachelorette and there’s been close to no buzz this season. Charity’s bio says “she solidified Bachelor Nation’s trust in her genuine desire to find love.” And I guess that’s the direction the franchise is going. Zach Shallcross was HATED before his season for reasons that seemed to stem from looking like a guy the internet allows you to hate. And the response was always “He wants to get married! We swear!” And, if you’ve followed him since the show, that seems to be the truth. Charity, like Zach, gives “college sorority sister who disappeared into suburban obscurity.” I went back to see what I wrote about her last season:

Charity is a 26 year old family therapist from Georgia who wants to move to Walt Disney World one day. I can’t imagine getting therapy from a Disney adult. It’s actually something I’d want to know. Like there should be a sign outside of Charity’s office that reads, “Before you enter and receive counseling from this licensed therapist, please be advised that she once cried from hugging Goofy at the character brunch.

This wasn’t that far off. Charity’s scenes last season were all very Disney and unrelatable to the average single person. If Love Is Blind is trying to brand itself as “an experiment” then it seems that The Bachelor is rebranding as the dead feeling you get going through your neighbor’s boring wedding album. Let’s see the men who might be lucky enough to move to Disney.

Aaron B is a 29 year old software salesman from San Diego who looks like a young politician who says, “Hey Kids! You know what’s totally awesome?! Voting!” Aaron is boring. He lists one of his fun facts as being “afraid of wasps.” That’s the fun fact of a person without much to say. It’s not even interesting. Most people are afraid of wasps. Who do you know who sees a wasp and is like “Ooh my favorite!” I react to wasps like I just pooped my pants while trying to fart. I jump right up and scream a little (women love it). A fun fact would be if wasps made him horny and in his last relationship he’d whisper “Buzz Buzz” to his girlfriend every time he got a little hot and bothered. Now whenever he sees a wasp he misses his ex and he has a ten minute cry followed by some light masturbation. That’s a fun fucking fact. Oh man. This is making me a little buzz buzz. I hope my stinger isn’t showing (😎).

Aaron S is a 33 year old firefighter from San Diego who looks like a stripper who dresses as a firefighter in between shifts at a Vanderpump themed bar. Honestly, they probably only bring him in for the calendar shoots. There’s one alarm at the firehouse for fires and there’s one for when Aaron needs to put on a bikini and drape a hose around his shoulders. It’s not even an alarm. It’s the tune of “It’s Raining Men.” And instead of going down the pole, he gets carried out of the firehouse like Cleopatra by 8 other men in bikinis with lesser bodies than Aaron. Show this description to your boyfriend, if he gets weirded out then he’s either too into it or very against it and you should end the relationship. You’re welcome.

Adrian is a 33 year old realtor from Northridge, California who looks like he’s about to tell you the side effects of a prescription drug. Adrian’s bio says he “majored in criminal science.” There’s nothing sadder to me than when someone’s in their 30s and tells you what their major was and it’s unrelated to their current profession. I used to sell life insurance and people did this all the time. And they’d try to turn it into some happy story. They’d be like, “Well, I was a theater major in college but all of the plays I enjoyed were about death which led me to my love of selling life insurance! And it’s been an asset! Sometimes I come into the office and I use my acting skills to make people believe I’m happy and things turned out the way I wanted!”

Brayden is a 24 year old travel nurse who looks like he’d have a Brayden accent. That’s how Brayden looks. I don’t even have to do the accent. You just did it to yourself. And you’re right. That’s what he sounds like. Exactly. Nailed it. I can only see half of Brayden’s body and I have three words: Too. Many. Jewels. He looks like a Christmas tree at an all faiths church at burning man. 

Caleb A is a 29 year old doctor from Ann Arbor who looks like he holds a coffee with two hands while looking out of a window on a snowy day. If you’re a doctor then they should just pass you onto the final ten. Why should Caleb A have to exit the same limo as an aspiring day-in-the-life vlogger?! It should be its own thing like Hometowns. The fifth episode is “Financially Secure Week” and they unveil 5 new men who make over 500k. They go on a group date to Carbone while the other men hang in the house and discuss their strategies for getting a good Southwest Airlines boarding zone. It’ll be fantastic.

Caleb B looks like a catalog model for an orgy. He’s from Orlando and for a moment you think “Maybe he’s one of Captain Hook’s sidekicks in the live performance and he has to keep his look like that” and then you realize he’s a pro wrestler and it’s really the only way this look could make any sense. It’s like when a friend says they’re not drinking and you find out they have a doctor’s appointment. You’re ok “Oh. Cool. I’d do things differently. But good for you.”

Chris looks like he went to an eccentric kid’s Bar Mitzvah who had hair yarmulkes. Chris says that his favorite sport is “Dunking” which is the weirdest answer to “What’s your favorite sport?” It’s basically him letting us know that he can dunk a basketball. It’s like being asked, “What’s your favorite food?” And answering, “My huge penis.” 

Dotun is a 30 year old medicine specialist from Brooklyn who looks like he’d say, “May god bless you and your children and your soul” after dropping you off in his Uber. And you’d respond with something awkward like, “Blessed to you too!” Dotun once took a spontaneous 45 day trip around Europe. Spontaneous trip guy is a trope on the Bachelorette. There’s always a guy who writes that and I’d argue that a woman looking to get married within the next year isn’t really looking for anything spontaneous. Try dating a girl and saying, “Let’s go to Europe tomorrow!” And see what she says. She’s not going to say “I’m in!” It’ll be something like, “Tomorrow?!? I CAN’T PACK FOR EUROPE IN UNDER A MONTH!!”

James is a 28 year old attorney from Chicago who grew up on an apple farm. He says that his perfect first date includes a trip to his family’s farm for a romantic picnic surrounded by blooming apple trees. I’ve never related less to a perfect first date. If I brought a woman to my parents house on a first date and had a picnic outside my mom would be screaming out the back door, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?!? SHE LIKES SITTING ON THE GROUND?! IS THAT MY CHARCUTERIE BOARD YOU’RE USING?! I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T EATING CHEESE!! YOU GET GASSY WHEN YOU SIT ON THE GROUND!! I’M NOT CLEANING THAT BLANKET!! I HAVE CRYSTAL LIGHT IF YOU NEED IT!!  AND IF YOU BRING MUD INTO THE HOUSE, ILL NEVER LET YOU BACK IN HERE!! ALSO, IS SHE JEWISH?! WHAT’S HER LAST NAME?!”

Joe is a 32 year old tech operations director from San Francisco who looks like he can’t wait to tell you how much his startup raised from investors. Joe’s bio says he’s “a proud plant daddy.” Any adult who uses the word “daddy” outside of the bedroom with a consenting adult should be put on a list. I’m not saying they should be arrested. But we should at least have some sort of trigger warning for any adult “Daddy” usage. Whether it’s someone we date saying, “Don’t eat too much! My parents are taking us for dinner. Daddy’s paying!” Or if a friend has us over and they spray a Ficus while whispering, “Daddy knows how to make you wet.” We shouldn’t have to live amongst these people without proper knowledge that we could be hit with some sort of “Daddy” strays. (Sidenote (and trigger warning): “Daddy Strays” is a great phrase for in-bedroom seamen talk! I.e. “Here come the daddy strays!”)

Joey is a 27 year old tennis pro from Hawaii who looks like he formed a romantic relationship built on lust with your wife who has always been a little too hot for you. I can’t see any reason why Joey would come on this show. He’s a good looking tennis pro living in paradise. He’s got the beach, the sun, the job that lets him be active and grab the waist of hot divorced women. Let’s say he “wins” the bachelorette. What next? He moves to a town outside of Atlanta, starts working in software sales, tucks in his shirt, and starts a family. A pregnant Charity screams downstairs while he makes his morning coffee that they should “watch that thing on Netflix tonight! I heard it’s good!” Then he yells back, “What thing?!” And she yells back, “You know!” Then Joey (who is Joseph now) looks down at his coffee mug that says, “I’d rather be in Hawaii.” He hears the sound of a tennis ball hitting a racket. Another piece of him dies. In Hawaii “Aloha” means “Hello” and “Goodbye.” In Georgia, “Let’s do Thai food tonight” means “Dinner” and “Prison.” Good luck Joey. I mean… Joseph. 

John is a 27 year old data scientist from New York City who looks like he just said, “What are ya?! Chicken?!” after he challenged the lead character in a Disney channel original movie to a skateboard race. I read “Data Scientist” and it’s two words I understand but I have no idea what they mean when they’re put together. That means it’s the perfect job to tell people when you don’t want to have a conversation with them. You’re welcome. Next time you’re on a flight and a stranger wearing crocs asks “So! What do you do?!” Just say “I’m a data scientist.” Because very rarely will someone admit their own stupidity. They’ll go, “Oh nice. Good luck with that!” And the headphones will slide right on. MAYBE they follow up with “What type of data?!” And all you say is, “We work with small and large businesses to deduce their main numeric data set into a more desirable workflow to make sure their investors get their dividends.” And that person will either be sleeping or they’ll laugh and say, “We’re on our way to Disney world!” And you just say “Have fun!” And slide those headphones right where they belong. 

John Henry looks like we’re about to find a racist tweet he wrote five minutes ago and he’s going to explain that he’s ready to live, laugh, love from this mistake. John Henry is a 30 year old underwater welder from Virginia Beach and his bio just grazes over that job as if we all have an uncle who fuses metal together while they scuba. I don’t know much about the underwater welding profession but it’s one of those jobs where everyone is going to let you know they make a lot more money than you think. People only say that about jobs you would never want. It’s never, “Oh that daughter of a reality star who started a podcast about being a daughter of a reality star living in the Hamptons actually does pretty well!” It’s always “You know that guy who hops into the Atlantic Ocean to fuse a bridge together in February?! He ACTUALLY can afford health insurance!”

Josh is a 28 year old Harvard grad student who looks like he’s going to yell at you for walking too closely to his Dad’s yacht. Josh’s profile says he’s from a “tight knit family” that “camped in 27 national parks before he was 6 years old” and he “loved a sunrise hike.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard a less relatable description of a family. My profile would say, “He comes from a family who can stand one another just enough to keep the cell phone plan intact. They have never hiked or camped or been to a museum but they’ve complained about every hotel they’ve ever stayed at. And Jared loves to wake up with a stomach ache after eating 7 bowls of popsorn before bed.”

Kaleb K is a 26 year old construction salesman from Norcross, Georgia who looks like someone I’d stand next to silently after my friend said, “Hey! This is my friend Kaleb from work!” Kaleb played football at Auburn and says he would love to coach high school football which sounds fun and cute in a hallmark movie way but something you’d never want to deal with in real life. Someone’s like, “What are you doing Saturday night?!” And you’re like “Watching my husband yell at someone else’s children for minimum wage. Then coming home and listening to him complain about someone else’s kid’s inability to understand the wing-t offense. Then getting into bed and having sex with someone who humps you a little harder than usual because he’s still a little annoyed about a teenager who fumbled a football.”

Khalid is a 28 year old tech recruiter from Dearborn, Michigan who looks like he used a filter for this picture that made it seem like we were seeing his face through a peephole. Khalid’s bio says that he’s from “a big Muslim family” which I feel is fantastic. The Bachelor (and its many franchises) has gotten a reputation for having a certain audience. Think white woman with a bird-like haircut who gets angry that the M&Ms aren’t sexy anymore. I hope there’s no racist reaction to Khalid but I’ve honestly never heard someone talk about their Muslim family on the show before and someone reading this is going to hear something ignorant from an aunt and they’re going to have a talk. That’s sad but also talking is good. And maybe that aunt learns the error of her ways. I think they gotta have one casting a season that makes that person freak out just so we can have more conversations. So this season it’s Khalid explaining his big Muslim family. Next season a straight guy who does some drag brunches on occasion. Wouldn’t it be great to get a surprise call from that aunt asking, “Hey! I was just watching The Bachelorette and there’s a larger man from Iowa who goes by the name “Husky Des Moines” just did a “death drop.” Which I learned is a dance move that involves dropping from standing height to the splits, with one knee remaining bent. And I’m very impressed but I’m also wondering how doesn’t that strain their knee?!”

Michael is a 28 year old yacht captain from Chicago who looks like he’s committed his whole life to convincing men that they too should shave their cheeks while leaving the neck beard. Michael’s profile has three fun facts. He collects cologne, he can’t date someone who likes mushrooms on their pizza, and he loves his rainwater shower head. Those fun facts sound like the excuses he used to get out of his last relationship. All of his descriptors are too heavy. Nobody collects colognes and is in love with a shower head. You’ve got a few smells and you like the shower head. His ex probably said, “The colognes are getting ridiculous and I can’t wash my vagina in your shower!” And he was like, “Some things I can’t change!! I need a different cologne every day of the month! I need to feel like I’m bathing under the waters of a Caribbean waterfall!! And the mushroom pizza you like reminds me of my grandmother who died from an allergic reaction to fungus! So we gotta go our separate ways. But you’re an amazing woman and there’s a lucky man out there who’s going to help you wash your anus!!” 

Nic is a 32 year old HR executive from Bayonne, New Jersey who says that his favorite local eatery is Walmart. Which is a joke. It has to be a joke. If it isn’t then I’m not even sure what food at Walmart he’d be talking about. Mountain Dew? Depression medication? At least if he said Publix then I’d be like “Oh a pub sub.” Walmart has no distinguishable delicacy. If he said Costco? I’d date him. Costco would be the perfect first date. First you show the card like a boss. Then you go from sample stand to sample stand. Watch your date lie to an old woman. See how well they can sell an 85 year old on why they might buy a 30 pound bag of frozen southwestern egg rolls. You two can debate which playhouse you’d buy your future kids. Try on some jeans. Discuss the price of eggs. Finish the day with a pretzel at a picnic table inside a warehouse like two Amazon employees on their break. Honestly, I want to thank Nic for the joke about Walmart that didn’t work. All of my future dates will now be held at Costco. Get ready old sample ladies. I’m going to be hungry. 

Peter is a 33 year old pilot who looks like he’d be the lead in a Christian rom-com about trying to find the woman of his dreams amongst all these sinners!! And I’m not wrong. His bio says that he’s “a man of faith.” It also says he “describes himself as the life of the party.” A man of faith who is a self described life of the party is my version of a terrorist. Can you imagine?! You’re at a party, standing in the corner, trying to fart without anyone noticing. Then Peter throws on the Christian rock and says, “Cmon Jared!! We’re all going to dance!! But NO TOUCHING!! And remember to try the saltines with lettuce! They’re delicious!” He’s all jazzed up staring at you directly in the eyes without blinking while screaming, “SING IT WITH ME NOW!! God is good! Good is greaaatttt!!”

Sean is a 25 year old sales rep from Tampa who looks like he gets hired to do Shawn Hunter impersonations at “Boy Meets World” themed parties. Sean’s fun fact is that he takes a lot of pride in his hair. And he isn’t wrong. It’s a nice head of hair that doesn’t match his face. It’s like someone photoshopped the face of a 15 year old onto the head and neck of an adult man from 1976. I have no doubt that at least 30 times a night, Sean slowly strokes his hair while looking around to see who takes notice in the room. And yes, he’s totally turned on by the whole thing. 

Spencer is a 32 year old medical sales director from Moorpark, California who looks like he wakes up his partner in the morning by whispering “Peekaboo.” He’s got, “I love April Fools Day” face and I have no idea why. He’s a father who says he wants to run for political office one day. Can you imagine being the mother of Spencer’s kid?! It’s Monday night. You just got back from work. The baby is screaming in the other room. You’re doing laundry. You haven’t been on a date in years. You run into the kitchen to get the formula from the fridge and the tv that’s been on all day is on The Bachelorette. Cameras flash to Spencer with his “Gotya Peekaboo” face telling a bunch of guys with abs how he’s going to be a senator one day. Does she just scream? Does she go on tiktok to tell everyone what a loser her is?! I don’t know. But I’m praying for her. 

Tanner is a 30 year old mortgage lender from Pittsburgh who says that he “loves giving high-fives.” He really does look like someone I’d avoid because they are probably going to give me a high-five. I can’t think of one good thing about this trait. Like at a minimum, most people are okay with a high-five. But people start to not like you when you get a reputation for loving a high-five. Honestly, if we’re not on a playing field and we didn’t just win states, why don’t you avoid touching me all together. Even if we do win states, you better have been a big reason for our win. Do you ever wonder how some people just don’t make it? Like they’re doing fine but middling in their specific pursuit. Well, from now on I’m going to assume they love high fives. It’s gotta be holding them all back. Because If I worked with Tanner I’d warn the new hires that he was the high five guy and I’d spread a rumor that he high-fived his wife at the altar. Then we’d all laugh at his inability to make her cum. Nice little day at the office.  

Taylor is a 32 year old loan officer from Springboro, Ohio who looks like he took high school gym class way too seriously. His “fun fact” is that he follows the Renaissance Periodization Diet and I can’t imagine a less fun fact about someone. Literally, you could tell me your fun fact was that your mom and dad were killed outside of a theater and you’ve dedicated your life to dressing as a bat to find their murderer and it would be way more fun than the scientific name of a diet that kind of sounds like you eat the foods they serve at fairs where people sword fight with pool noodles. Going to assume Taylor isn’t very fun and I’m kind of hungry for a big turkey leg. 

Warwick is a 27 year old construction manager from Nashville who looks like he’s constructing the disco hall of fame after he gets done blogging about Burning Man. Warwick’s bio describes him as an awkward rule follower. I’ll give the women reading a moment to go change out of their soaked panties. I’m sure the phrase “awkward rule follower” from a guy wearing the upholstery from a 1970s couch took you to a place. You dreamt of boarding a delta flight when your zone was called while Warwick awkwardly took ten minutes to scan the ticket on his phone and you debated watching this show with a vibrator in each hand like some sort of sexual Edward ScissorHands. Warwick is officially the country’s mascot for sex. Our awkward, rule following, hero.  

Xavier is a 27 year old biomedical scientist from Carrboro, North Carolina who knits. I always wonder with some of these hobbies if it’s something they actually do or they’re just making conversation. Like, did Xavier knit once in a class his ex made him take or does he sit at home nightly in a recliner knitting like my Bubbie. I wonder this because I don’t do anything at all. A first date once asked what I enjoyed doing and I was like, “Well I like drinking coffee and looking at my phone and sleeping and eating.” That was followed by an intense silence. Then I was like, “I guess I’m saying that I enjoy doing human functions like sleeping, eating, and drinking liquids.” We didn’t go on a second date. I wish Xavier the best and I’ll take a pair of mittens if he’s looking for a new project.